the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Randomize
