I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
