I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
All he gave me was a sore vagina and film suggestions
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
