It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
he was CRYING into my vagina
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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