a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Randomize
