FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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