Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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