Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
