Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize