OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
This baby is an asshole
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
