He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm wearing a dinosaur hat bikini cone bra over my shirt. So good things are happening
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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