I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
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