He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
