Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
Did we literally take a cab across the street
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
