i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
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