Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
