Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
Randomize
