hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
