I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Randomize
