well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Im so hungover
Come over i have rolls
Ecstasy rolls or Challah rolls?
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
Randomize