We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
