I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
By talk him into it I assume you mean blow him into it.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
