i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
he's speaking broken english and calling me isaac.. this is not the australian i ordered for a one nighter
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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