Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Randomize
