I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Success! We fucked roommates!
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
