The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
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