Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
