you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
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