So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
