we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Randomize
