You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Randomize
