You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
Randomize
