I'm gonna have a badass scar
I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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