Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
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