Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
So vagazzling was a success
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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