Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Randomize
