She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
