I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
Wait, there's no way I said I would suck his dick. I know drunk Katie.
No, you told him to suck YOUR dick.
See now that sounds like drunk Katie.
Randomize
