it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Randomize
