I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
