God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
