I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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