she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
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