"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
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