If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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