My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
