Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
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