I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
