mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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