And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
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