I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I want to be your penis for a week.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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