by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
