So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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