OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Randomize
