just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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