I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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