guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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