I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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