my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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