Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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