i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
